BEFORE YOU READ

THIS IS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.

Start with the first one written "The Overview" under 2014/February and work your way to the most recent one.

"Remembering Nathan" (1/7/15)

I wasn't planning on being in a hospital with a baby in my arms on the 1 year anniversary of Nathan's death.  I had planned on doing the same thing I did with Colin and go through Nathan's chest of belongings that evening.  If going through Colin's things was incredibly difficult, I knew going through Nathan's items was going to be so much harder, just because I had so many more memories with him.  But I wasn't going to get to that that night.  I got to be with my healthy, happy, screaming son instead.

That day, when nurses would come in,  they would ask me if this was my first child.  It is a question that is so common and I am prepared to give people the truth.  I would tell them that I had twin boys last December and they both passed after birth and that today is the 1 year anniversary of my son Nathan's death.  As Labor and Delivery nurses, they experience mothers loosing babies more than the average person so they were all very sympathetic and didn't say anything stupid like some people do.

I thought about Nathan often that day.  But for some reason, I didn't cry.  I think that Sean was my gift from him, or at least his arrival a few days earlier than scheduled was.  I think that Nathan didn't want me to be sad on his 1 year anniversary so he had Sean come the day before so I would be incredibly happy.  And I was.  I loved every minute of being with Sean in my hospital room.   The TV in the room was probably on maybe 1 hour my entire stay and even then it was on mute.  The cuddles, the coos, the smirks....I couldn't get enough.  Oh...and the DIAPERS!!! The Wet and Poopy diapers.  How happy was I!  I loved changing them (are you shocked?).  Sean's insides were working perfectly and his lungs were strong.  What more could a mother ask for?

So even though this day wasn't the day that I was mentally preparing for all along, it was a nice surprise.  I have no doubt in my mind that both Colin and Nathan were in the hospital with us and were enjoying seeing their mother so incredibly happy.  What a difference a year makes.  This is how a mother should feel.  My heart was full, my heart was smiling and knowing my two oldest sons would always be watching over Sean, comforted me in so many ways.  We are going to make sure that Colin and Nathan will always be a part of our children's lives and that they will know what amazing brothers they have.

"A WANTED Birthday" (1/6/15)

Christmas was over.  We stayed in town and had our parents come to us since I was not comfortable being hours away from our hospital so close to Sean's due date.  It was a lovely Christmas even though we were planning on having 2 little boys with us for this one but the joy of knowing Sean was about to arrive made it so much better.  I had ornaments made for us and our immediate family so they could always look at their tree's and think of our boys.

"Always Remember"

With the scheduled C-Section right around the corner, I got into my nesting mode.  I was making sure everything was pretty much ready for when Sean came home.  We put the crib together, all his clothes were washed and ready to keep him warm, and my hospital bag was packed....well sort of.

For Sean's crib, I wanted to have Angel Wings on both ends of it so when Sean would be sleeping, his brothers would always be watching over him. I thought they turned out quite nicely.  

I was still working long hours since we were short staffed.  I would say I was working 10-12 hour days for a good stretch of time.  I had so much energy towards the end of this pregnancy that the long hours didn't seem to bother me.  I felt like the little-engin-that-could.  Maybe I was just getting extremely excited to meet my full-term, healthy little boy.

The c-section was scheduled for Monday, January 12th.  I thought that was so cool because Colin and Nathan were born on the 12th of December so I didn't think it was just a coincidence that Sean was going to come on the 12th as well.  All I had to do was get through the anniversary of Nathan's passing and then I could really start being completely focused on Sean's arrival.

With his arrival scheduled for a Monday, I was planning on working up through that Friday before.  Working with patients, I kept telling them that I would see them later that week unless Sean decides to come early.  At this point I was fine with Sean arriving at anytime because I knew he was full term and healthy.  But I really didn't want him to arrive on the 7th.  The 7th was Nathan's day.

It was the weekend of January 3rd and my mom and I went to get Mani-Pedi's so I could have a little last minute pampering before Sean came.  That weekend I could really tell that my body was getting ready for him to arrive.  I still had never experienced labor so I this part was all new to me.  The cramps were a little bit more intense and I could just tell that my body was starting to prepare.

Well, Tuesday the 6th rolls around and I go to work like normal.  I am feeling pretty good in the morning and then by 3 pm, I start getting really bad pain.  To be quite honest and super personal...I really thought I just had to use the restroom and I would have felt better.  I would be standing up talking to someone and have to bend over due some cramping.  It was around 4 pm that I decided that I was gonna go home and lay down.

Driving home I looked at the clock and my eyes got really big.  I am having these pains about 7-8 minutes apart!  Could this be?  Could I be in labor?  When I get home I go right upstairs and lie down on my bed and get out my timer.  Yup....7 minutes apart.  What do I do?  My doctors and I never discussed what to do if I started having contractions.  They just told me that if I start to bleed or my water breaks to then go to hospital.  So what do I do?  I call my friend Brittany who just had her second child less than a month and a half ago.

I told her how I was feeling and she told me that it sounds like I was in Labor and that I should call my Doctor to make sure.  So I did and since it was after hours, a nurse called me back a little bit later.   She told me that this could go away but if they start getting more intense and 3-5 minutes apart than go to the hospital.

After hearing that, I called....my mom.  She was in town and I told her that I am fine right now and that it could go away but if we do go to the hospital than I would call her.  I had not called Kevin yet. I wasn't going to because I didn't want him to freak out and leave his patients if I didn't need to go to the hospital yet.  But my mom said that I should call him to make him aware.

At this point it was around 6 pm and I called Kevin and told him to not rush home but I was having contractions.  I knew that if I was going to have this baby tonight that I should not eat anything, so I told him to drive through somewhere and get himself dinner (because he wouldn't be eating anything for a while if we were going to the hospital).

The time in between started getting shorter and shorter.  Kevin got home around 7:15, came right upstairs to check on me and even though they were getting extremely painful, I told him we didn't need to go to the hospital yet so he should go eat his food.  After he was done eating he came back up and then I said, "Ok, now it's time to go to the hospital."  We both started to pack our bags, me stopping every time I had a contraction to breathe heavily.  Holy Moly contractions hurt like the dickens.

I called my mom and told her we were on our way and she was going to meet us there.  Once we got up to the labor and delivery unit around 8:15 pm (after a slow and steady walk through the halls) they put me in triage, hooked me up to monitors and checked me.  I was already 6 cm Dilated!  WOAH!  That went fast!  We were going to have Sean tonight and quickly.  Luckily, my doctor was the Doctor on duty that night so that made me extremely happy.  

Moments away from meeting Sean!

My mom got there but I didn't see her because everything was happing so quickly.  As they were wheeling me into the O.R. I had a huge smile on my face.  I knew that Sean was going to be fine and this is how a mother should feel when about to give birth.  The last time I did this, I had tears of fear and sadness in my eyes.  Some moms might have the fear of the surgery or the pain.  Not me.  Not now, and not ever.  The only thing I had was a smile on my face knowing that Sean was a healthy gestational age and we would get to take him home in the end of all this.

As they had me on the operating table and were putting the catheter in me, my water broke.  I guess you could say that I progressed very quickly.  They cut me open and at 9:35 pm on January 6, 2015, Sean Colin Kane was born.  8 lbs 9.4 oz and 21 inches long.  He was perfect.  As they were stitching me up, they were telling me that he had inhaled some amniotic fluid which was making him aspirate a bit.  They suctioned him one time and was holding oxygen up to his face to help him a bit.  When my water broke, he slid into the birth canal and so they had to push him back up since he got stuck and I think that stunned Sean which his why he inhaled the fluid.

Welcome to the world Sean

Everyone was doing such a good job at telling me that everything was fine.  But my Doctor told me, and dreaded telling me that Sean might have to go to the NICU.  Really?  Not again?  Of course I was going to let them do whatever they needed to do to help Sean breathe but I was just bummed that I wasn't going to get all the firsts that I wanted...again.

Sean and Daddy!

As they were wheeling me out of the O.R. (I wasn't even gonna get to see him) they made a last minute decision to put Sean on my chest and see how he did.  I was the happiest girl on earth.  I held him close as they wheeled us down to recovery.  While we laid there, I was trying to make Sean extremely mad so he would get out any secretions that he still had in his lungs.  His cry sounded like a little pig but was adorable all at the same time.  I enjoyed that time with my 3rd child so much.  I could have stayed like that forever.

After being in recovery and Sean's oxygen levels were sufficient, they wanted to take him to the nursery to give him a bath.  I told them that I really wanted to give him a bath for his first time, but they wanted to see how he did without me which I can understand.  So as they took him away, they got me ready to go into my room where I would be spending the next few days with my sweeter than sweet baby boy.  

That night was the best night of my life.  Sean was my Rainbow baby and I couldn't be happier.  Since he came 6 days before he was scheduled to come, unfortunately, my dad and my father-in-law were not there to see Sean in his first hours of life.  But my mom was there and it was so wonderful to see her hold her grandson.  When the only time she held her other grandsons was when their souls were not in their body anymore, it was extremely beautiful to give her this opportunity.  

The amount of happiness that we were experiencing was something I will never forget.  Sean was here, healthy and a loud little baby.   Can't wait for the rest of our lives.

Sean and his Grandma

"After Every Storm there is a Rainbow of Hope....Here I Am!"

"Remembering Colin" (12/14/14)

Since I was really surprised on how well I did on their 1st Birthday, I wondered how well I was going to do with the anniversary of each of their deaths.  Something tells me that I wouldn't be as OK those days.

It was just two days after their first birthday that I had to get through the anniversary of Colin's death. Let me just tell you that I didn't do as well as I thought.  The day they were born, although an unwanted birthday, brought more worry and fear then it did sadness.  It's no question that the day your children are born will always ALWAYS be happier than the day you say goodbye.

I went through the entire day playing over and over in my head, all the moments of the day leading up to Colin's death.  How I sat right next to him the majority of the day wishing and hoping for a miracle to happen and for him to magically get better.  How I cried so many tears onto his isolette and how I held that tiny hand of his, relishing in every single movement that his fingers made.  I knew that entire day that our time was limited but until Colin was ready to go to heaven, I wasn't about to give up hope for him to stay with us.

It was hard.  It was hard then and it was hard a year later playing it back in my mind.  Kevin went out for a little bit that day so it was just me and my thoughts.  I didn't even have a kitty to snuggle up with.  So while he was out, I took Colin's chest that had all of his things in it and took it up to my bed so I could go through it.  The tears started to pour.  Looking at his pictures, feeling his footprint, and remembering all the moments I had with him.  The moments were going through my head like a slideshow on repeat.  His diapers were so small, his blood pressure cuff could fit around my pinky and his hand and footprints were smaller than dolls I used to have as a little girl.  I hugged the sheet that was in his incubator the night he died and buried my face in it, hoping I could still smell that scent that engulfed his isolette.  Unfortunately, any smell that it once had was now faded.

Going through his things was especially difficult but I needed to do it.  I also went through all my pictures on my computer and cried tears on my keyboard.  At that point, Kevin came home and walked right into the rainstorm.  He knew why I was crying so he just came over and gave me a huge hug.

The fact that it has already been a year since everything happened is absolutely crazy to me.  The year had gone by so fast that I couldn't believe we were already re-living what happened a year ago in our heads instead of actually living it.  So much has changed and we have so much to look forward to.  Sean was going to be here in less than a month and we couldn't wait for that kind of happiness to enter our lives.

But for tonight, I will remember my first born.  My 1 lb 9 oz baby boy that came into this world for a brief moment but had a lifelong impression on our hearts.

"Colin and Nathan's 1st Birthday" (12/12/14)

Has it really been a year?  It really seems just like yesterday we were spending our days in the NICU with the boys, and now, we are celebrating their 1st Birthday.  The only difference with our family is that our boys aren't here to actually celebrate it with us.  No first Birthday cake for them to smash all over their faces, no presents to try and unwrap and make a complete mess.  It is just Kevin, me, our dog, and Sean inside my belly.

I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel on their Birthday so I decided to take the day off work just in case it was extremely hard for me.  It was a Friday and it was also the day that we were having our Christmas Party for work.  So even though I was taking the day off work, I was going to try to make it to the party if I was feeling up to it.

I have mixed emotions about the day the boys were born.  On one hand, it was such a scary moment not knowing what was going to happen.  Were they going to survive outside of me for a long time or would they not last  even an hour?  The unknown of what the days ahead were about to bring was so scary and I honestly didn't want to meet them yet.  But on the other hand, how in the world can you hate the day you meet your babies for the first time?  No matter what the future was going to hold, these were our first borns and to actually see them in person was a feeling like nun other, regardless of their size and health status.

Celebrating this day was very important to me and I wanted to make it as special as we could.  So that day I went out and bought 2 cupcakes and two light blue balloons.  I wanted to send the balloons off to heaven for their birthday party.  Throughout the year, I have met other families who lost children and I am sure every little baby that is now an angel, is up there with Colin and Nathan celebrating their 1st Birthday...equipped with pointy party hats and all.

During the day, I did pretty well.  I think there was just one time I broke down so I did feel like I was up to going to the Christmas Party.  They are never really long parties and this one was at a Mexican restaurant in the middle of the day  where we just ate, talked and exchanged our Secret Santa gifts.

Now it was time to go home and spend the rest of the day thinking about our boys, and celebrating their lives.

I took the balloons and wrote on them with a sharpie.  "Happy Birthday Colin! Mommy and Daddy Love you" on Colin's and "Happy Birthday Nathan!  Mommy and Daddy love you!" on Nathan's.

I had my C+N shirt on which my Brother-in-law had made. (He originally had them made so they could wear them in the Nationwide Children's Hospital 1/2 and Full Marathon since the 11th mile was for angel babies)

I got my pictures with the balloons and then Kevin and I headed out to the front yard to let the balloons go.  It was a nice moment.  We said "Happy Birthday Colin and Nathan! We love you!" and sent them off to heaven.  It was a bit windy and Nathan's Balloon got caught in a tree.  I was kind of bummed about that but after 5 minutes, I went to check on it and it had gotten loose and was on its way to the party.

We then lit the candles on the cupcakes and each made a wish on behalf of them.  We also lit the candles that we had received in honor of them and let those burn brightly for a bit.

All in all it was a lovely day to remember our babies and even though I had a few tiny breakdowns, it was nice to be at the point where I can think of them and smile and be grateful for the time I had with them and the memories we created in that short time. 

Happy 1st Birthday Colin and Nathan

"A Tearful Goodbye - Part 3"

The year anniversary of when everything started to happen with Colin and Nathan has started.  It began the day before Thanksgiving and will continue on through January.  It has been a very difficult couple of weeks so far for me for a couple reasons.  The first one obviously being that everyday I remember what we were doing a year ago today.  Some days it is easier than others because not a whole lot of really scary things happened, but what did happen does cross my mind.  And remembering and preparing for their 1^st Birthday and the year anniversary of each of their deaths, gets me nervous and extremely sad.  But on top of all that,  I am dealing with recent loss of my cat Morris.

Now some of you might be thinking that because I had gone through loosing both my sons, with each of them taking their last breath in MY arms, how could loosing a pet even come close to comparing.  Well let me tell you something.  It is difficult as hell for me.  And I don’t know if I would be this extremely sad if Colin and Nathan were still alive and none of that bad stuff ever happened with them, or if BECAUSE I went through that, that this is harder than it needs to be.  I have no idea.  All I know is how I feel and let me tell you something….i just feel defeated.

Morris was such a good little buddy for me.  I have had him for over half my life and he was one of my best friends.  I got him in 6^th grade so I was 11 or 12 at the time and I am now 28.  I almost can’t remember life without him but now I am going to have to create a life without him.  

A few months ago in August, I took Morris to the vet because he had been peeing on the carpet instead of in his litter box quite a bit.  So I honestly hoped that it was something medical related that we could treat with a pill or something instead of it being behavioral.  Boy do I wish I could take back saying that.  I didn’t want it to be something extreme, but I did want him to stop and I thought if it was behavioral, it would be harder to stop.  I mean, we have a little baby coming soon and I can’t have him crawling around on urine soaked carpet. 

So on August 18^th, I took him to the vet and they drew some blood and ran some tests on him.  He HATED the vet.  He would get so stressed out going there.  Dr. Picking, said that she would get the result soon and would call to tell them to me.  But the next day, I actually was bringing Darcy in for a vet appointment as well and she just happened to have the results of Morris’s labs.  She sat down with me and explained that he was in the beginning stages of kidney disease.  It isn’t something that can be cured, but it can be helped.  She showed me a piece of paper with numbers of different levels of things and on it she pointed out the Creatinine level.  There that word is again.  I dealt with Creatinine so much with Colin and Nathan and now, here we are dealing with it in my cat.   I handled the news well and understood because I knew he was old (even though he never really acted like it).  I asked her what we could do to help it and we were going to put him on a kidney friendly diet for the time being.  So I bought the special food and Darcy and I went on our way.

I never did ask her at that time how long they give cats with kidney disease so I really wasn’t sure.  But the next day was when we found out that Sean was a baby boy!  And yes, I was very excited about that but when I got home, I went over to Morris who was sleeping on the recliner and cried because I was worried about him.  3 weeks went by and I noticed that he just wasn’t himself.  He wasn’t drinking water like he normally would and he wouldn’t go down in the basement to eat his food or go to the bathroom.  So I ended up bringing his litter box up to the guest bathroom and his food up in the closet where he sleeps in his basket.  That seemed to help a little bit, but he still only wanted to sleep most of the time and he really didn’t go to the bathroom all that much, which I know is a very important thing to do. 

I got scared and Kevin and I brought him back into the vet to ask her opinion on September 10^th. I was so sad going in there.  I thought she was going to tell us there is nothing we can do.  I asked her with tears running down my face, that if we didn’t do anything for him, how much time does he have.  She told us a few weeks or so.  But that was if we didn’t do ANYTHING!.  I had to try to make my kitty feel better.  What we came up with was that Kevin and I were going to administer an IV to him every other day, give him an appetite pill every 3 days, and give him a Pepcid every day to help him keep his food down because he was loosing weight.  

I hated giving him all these things but I wanted to help him in anyway I could.  I couldn’t just stand back and watch him deteriorate.  Just like Colin and Nathan, they can’t voice how they are feeling.  A few weeks went by with giving him all this medicine, and he started feeling better.  He was more active, he was peeing more and he was eating more.  We helped him out and he got through October and most of November just fine.  We even cut back on his IV’s because he was doing so well.

But towards the end of November, I noticed that he really wasn’t himself.  It was getting harder and harder to give him IV’s and give him pills.  I had been working so much that I felt the only time I saw him I was stuffing something down his thoat.  But then he would do this awful ‘meow’ and you could tell he was in pain.  He would just pace the floor…back and forth and then he would squat as if he had to poop.  His belly would start convulsing but nothing came out.  So he continued to pace or would go in the other room and do it again.  I finally realized that he was constipated.   I told the Vet about this and she gave me some liquid medicine that would help with that right before Thanksgiving.  One more thing to stress him out over.

His whines got worse and worse and more often.  I would just sit by his basket in the closet and pet him because that is where he wanted to be.  He had absolutely no meat on him and I could see that even with the IV’s, he urine output was diminishing.  I would just cry and cry because I didn’t want him to be in pain, but I didn’t want to be the one to make the decision to put him down.  I would have to say that Colin and Nathan gave me a gift in the fact that they made the decision on their own to leave this world to go to Heaven.  We didn’t have to make that kind of decision and for that, I will be forever grateful to them.  But with Morris, he is not in a Kitty NICU and can’t be monitored 24/7.  I have to be the one to say that it is time and I didn’t want to do it too soon and I didn’t want to have him in pain.  I was torn. 

I also have to admit that I didn’t want to be stressed out over his care when Sean is born.  I hate saying that because it sounds so selfish, but I had put so many things on hold to accomplish because I just want to come home right after work and be with Morris.  Even though I know he would be sleeping, I wanted to be there to snuggle with him if he needed me.  So how would that work when Sean arrived?  Sean is my sunshine after the storm and it kills me to say this, but I didn’t want the worry of Morris hanging over my head while I was at the hospital.

I knew deep down that it was coming soon.  And now it was sooner than later.  He was just in pain.  I could tell.  He stumbled when he walked, probably because he wasn’t eating and was weak, and his eyes just looked like he was sick.  I didn’t want him to keep feeling this way.  And another selfish thing was that I wanted to put him down on a Friday because I didn’t want to miss work and I knew that if it were done during the week, I would not be up to working the next day.  And next Friday is Colin and Nathan’s first birthday so I didn’t want to do it then but I didn’t want to prolong Morris’s pain.  I also wanted him to be put down at our home since he gets so stressed out at the vet, I didn’t want his last moments to be in fear or full of stress.  Luckily our vet did house calls for that.

He hadn’t eaten anything since Monday the 1^st  and I hadn’t seen any urine in his litter box.  So Kevin called the vet on Wednesday the 3^rd and they made the appointment for them to come put him down on Friday the 5^th at 6:15.  When I heard that I just lost it and went to his basket and picked him up.  We now had a time that Morris was going to leave and go to Heaven.  Something about having a time clock on a pets life seems so wrong.  I just held him and I cried and cried and tears kept coming and coming.  I was going to miss him so much.  I wasn’t going to get to hold him like I was and pet his soft fur.  I wasn’t going to have him whine at me to put the blanket on my legs so he could come up and lay on them.  It was just so hard for me to grasp that in less than 48 hours, he wouldn’t be here anymore.

I made it through work on Thursday and then as we were leaving, I asked my boss if I could leave early the next day.  I wanted to spend all afternoon with Morris because our time was limited.  She, of course, said ‘yes’ and gave me a big hug since I started to cry.

When I got home from work, I picked Morris up and brought him into my room hoping that he would snuggle with me.  And he did.  Usually he will just jump down and go back in his basket but he snuggled with me.  I didn’t want to move.  I wanted him to be next to me for as long as I could possibly have him.  I did get up to eat dinner and get ready for bed, but that was about it.  When it was time for bed, I picked him up and put him in his basket because I thought he wouldn’t want our legs to be kicking him at night or disturbing him.  But when I woke up when my alarm went off for the first time at 4:07 am, I got a big surprise.

Morris was on my legs.  He was snuggling with me.  So I turned my body around and put my head next to his and spend the next hour lying next to him, touching him.  Then it was time to actually get up. L  I for sure thought that Kevin had put him there because he hadn’t slept with me for a few months.  Kevin woke up and I asked him and he said that Morris was on the bed when he came up to bed that night.  I started to tear up.  He knew it was his last night with me and he wanted to be close to me as well.  How can you not love an animal like that?

I got home from work on Friday around 1 pm.  Morris was curled up on the couch on top of the blanket.   His hearing was going because you could say his name or anything and he wouldn’t budge.  So I petted him and he moved a little.  It was time, time for him to join Colin and Nathan in Heaven.  He really didn’t feel good.  His eye was slightly open while he was sleeping so I was watching him breathe just to make sure.  5 more hours with him.  The time was ticking by and I didn’t want 6:15 to come.  I laid next to him all afternoon.  I made sure I was touching him so he knew I was there.  I felt the need to do that to Nathan as well.  I wanted him to know his mom was there for him and everything would be all right.

Around 6 pm, I woke him up and set him on my lap and just petted him as I watched each car pass the house, my heart would skip a beat thinking it was the vet.  Then I saw them pull up.  I started crying even more knowing now it was only down to minutes.  Dr. Picking came in and told us what was going to happen.  They were going to give him a sedation shot, which would just make him very calm and relaxed and then they would euthanize him after that set in.  She said that he would know that I was still there with the sedation shot. 

She asked if I was ready and I just kind of shrugged. Is anyone ever really ready for this?  She poked him in the leg, and after a minute or two, he became very limp.  I turned him over and cradled him like a baby.  His limbs were like jelly and he wasn’t really blinking.  He was just lying on my chest, not moving a muscle.  He was just breathing and that is the only reason I could tell he was alive.  I just looked at him in the eyes and would give him kisses and tell him that I loved him very much and that he would be meeting Colin and Nathan in a few minutes. 

Dr. Picking took his paws and made imprints on a piece of clay that we could have.  After that was done, it was time to start.  So I asked if I could hold him while she did it and so we put the towel over my lap and she shaved his inner thigh.  She explained that we would see deep breaths from him and he may let go of his bowels (hence the towel).  As she found the vein and pushed the medicine into his thin body, I just stared into his eyes and stroked his head so he knew I was right there.  I watched his stomach continue to go up and down waiting for it to just come to a stop.  After a few minutes, he hadn’t passed so we flipped him over so she could put more medicine in him since it was taking too long.  She did that and then she checked his heartbeat and he was gone.  Another one of my little buddies just died in my arms.

I picked him up, wrapped in that towel, and held him for a moment and gave him another kiss.   Then when I moved, his head just flopped over, which was hard to see because you just knew he was no longer with us.  The carefully put him in a cardboard box and left.  He was never coming back.  Coming home to the pitter patter of cat feet coming to greet me would never happen again.  I would never hear the sound of the cat door going to the basement, or the sound of him jumping off the sink onto the floor.  No more meows or scratching at the bathroom door because for some strange reason, he felt like he needed to be in there with us while we were doing our business.  No more picking him up and hearing him purr because he was just perfectly content in your arms.  He was really gone and now I had to start the grieving process yet again.  I knew what I just had done was the best thing for him, but it still doesn’t make it any easier.   I’m just so used to coming home and him being there that it is going to take a LOT of getting used to.  The door to his closet where he slept is now closed.  The litter boxes and food bowls are empty.  It’s just not the same. 

I feel like I am taking this almost as hard as loosing Colin and Nathan.  I am just so damn sick of saying ‘Goodbye’.  I am just too damn young to have already had 3 of my children (yes, I consider Morris like a child to me) die in my arms.  There are some people who get to live their whole lives without loosing a child, and I have lost 3 and I am only 28.  I really don’t think I can handle anymore.  No, I probably won’t cry everyday for 6 months like I did for Colin and Nathan but it is going to hurt for a while.  Colin and Nathan didn’t get a chance to live a long and healthy life.  At least with Morris, I know I gave him the best life that he could have possibly had and I tried everything in my power to help him towards the end of his life.  He had a nice long life for a cat; some might say longer than normal.  All this is very true.  But it still is making holes in my heart.  I am a damn good mother and love my children and pets so much.  I know I did the right thing and I have to keep telling myself that.  The emptiness in the house without him is going to be hard to get used too because every time I walk past his room where he slept, I cry, or if I see his empty litter box, I cry. 

This weekend was hard.  I have my strong moments and I have my not so strong moments.   I will get through this and am looking forward to the happiness that Sean will be giving me in about a month.  I deserve some happiness.  I am a good person but seem to keep having these sad things thrown at me.   I say, “NO MORE!”  I am done. I am going to have nothing but happiness from here on out.  I need to get through December and through the anniversary of Nathan passing and  then a few days after that, Sean will be born and life will only get better from there. 

I hope Morris is happy in Heaven with Colin and Nathan and I hope they all know how much I love them.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them.  And even though I have those holes in my heart from all the losses that I have gone through within a year, the amount of Love I have for those 3 never diminished. 

RIP Morris!  I am going to miss you like you wouldn’t believe!

"Flashbacks" (25 weeks 10.7.14)

As of last Friday, I have officially been pregnant longer than I was last time.  The longer in my belly the better.   Our little boy has been so very sweet and very VERY active.  I love that he is a mover and a shaker because it is very comforting to know that he is moving around and, well, alive in there.  I've heard too many stories of when the baby just passes for no reason and stops moving.  Not our little boy.  He has even woken me up a few times during the night.  I guess he is just preparing me for the nights when I have to get up and feed him multiple times.  I can’t wait!

24 Weeks Along

We have finally picked a name for our 3^rd son.  Most people don’t have 3 kids within a year of each other, let alone 3 boys so the fact that we already had picked two names for boys with Colin and Nathan and now we had to agree on a 3^rd name.  I had a top choice and Kevin had a top choice.  Mine was Adam and Kevin’s was Sean.  But I was very adamant on having either the name Colin or Nathan as a middle name so we ended up going with Sean!  So our son has a name and for the past few weeks, he has been Sean Colin Kane.   I love it!  It rolls off the tongue and Kevin loves it because it is very Irish. 

But today, Sean had us a tad worried.  To not get too graphic, my underwear got a bit more wet than normal.  I thought that if it kept getting wet, and then I would call my doctor.  My water could have broke, or I could have a leak.  But since it was just that one moment, I decided to not call my Doctor at that point.  I told my mom and Kevin what had happened and they both thought that it couldn’t hurt to call and ask.  I guess I should tell you that I have also been having contractions that past few weeks.  They are not often and they are not bad.  I may get one a day, if that.  The first one I had, I got real nervous because that’s exactly what it felt like when I was in L+D with Colin and Nathan.  So I texted my friend Brittany who is pregnant for the 2^nd time and she said getting contractions started around 24/25 weeks with her.  PHEW!  But since no one told me to expect contractions or Braxton Hicks this early on in a normal pregnancy, I couldn’t help but think that my body thinks that this is the time you deliver a baby.  So with the contractions and the wet underwear, I decided to call the doctor today.

The nurse returned my phone call and I told her what had happened.  She said all the doctors were in a meeting till noon (it was 9:30) so she suggested I go to L+D and get checked out to just make sure.  I tried to ask her if I could wait till 12 and just walk over to the OB’s office and she really recommended that I go to L+D.  I honestly didn’t think it was anything because Sean was moving around like crazy since it happened yesterday.  But, better safe than sorry.  So I left work and headed to Riverside to get checked out.  I called Kevin to let him know but told him that he didn’t have to meet me there.

Once I got there, they put me in a triage room and I had to put a robe on and then they hooked me up to the heart monitor and contraction monitor.  The memories just flooded back to me.  I explained my past history to the nurse and she understood that the extra reassurance will be so calming for me.  She left to go get the doctor but she was gone for 25-30 min.  As I sat there and thought of the moments with Colin and Nathan and then what if something was wrong with Sean and He was going to be a preemie too…I started to tear up.  I could not do that again.  I needed Sean to be O.K.   Also the memories of the heart monitors and those dreaded straps that go around my belly to hold them on, the blood pressure cuff taking my BP ever 30 min.  I was back in that same position and it wasn’t happy.  I don’t think doing that will ever feel good until my actual full term delivery day when I know that my baby is fully developed and can live in the real world without any help from tubes and machines. 

The Doctor finally came in and checked to make sure my water didn’t break.  She did a few tests and I passed them all.  I was fine, Sean was fine, and my water was still in tact.   I asked her what I should look for and what type of thing would require a call to my doctor.  Her and the nurse gave me some pointers and I got dressed and headed back to work.  I called Kevin and told him that everything was just fine with his son.

So we had a tiny scare today but everything is just fine.  But everything from here on out will be brand new to me and I am just looking forward to January when I can hold him in my arms and take him home. 

26 Weeks along

28 Weeks along

30 Weeks along